Why Do Kids Make Mistakes?
An excerpt from No More Perfect Kids by Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch
Does it ever feel like your child does more wrong than they do right? As a parent, we know our kids aren’t failures. They can fail a quiz here and there, not win a tournament, and not earn a raise during their first job review, but none of that makes them failures.
They will make mistakes, though, because they’re human! To best help our kids overcome their mistakes and not feel like failures, we need to understand why they make mistakes. When a parent understands, it increases their compassion and decreases their frustration. As you listen closely and observe intently for the “why” behind their mistakes, you can know how to best support them. Let’s explore eight reasons kids make mistakes.
1. They need more experience.
When kids complain that school is hard, remind them that if it were easy, they wouldn’t need to go. School—and much of life—is about trying new things. We must let our kids know they’re not stupid when they get things wrong. Mistakes are a part of life, and they often show up when we need more experience.
2. They need to be taught in order to be successful.
Mistakes can occur when content and tasks are new and teaching hasn’t yet occurred. Kids might enjoy trying things on their own, but then can get very frustrated when their independent approach doesn’t go well. Protect their self-esteem when you notice that the reason they did something wrong was simply because they need help or more instruction.
3. They need more time to learn something.
Errors occur because kids didn’t learn something well enough, although teaching has begun. These mistakes are a part of learning. They happen, and it’s no one’s fault. How did you learn to drive? By driving imperfectly for a while. How did you decide which barbeque sauce you prefer? By cooking with one and then another. Did you make a mistake? No. It was a “learn by doing” experience, not a “mistake by doing” experience. The language we use to discuss mistakes matters; this includes what we say to our kids and what we say inside our heads when thinking about them.
4. They need healthy motivation to do things well.
Sometimes kids make mistakes because they don’t want the additional pressure that comes with excellence. Maybe your son’s teacher keeps calling on him because he’s always attentive and right, but your son wants to take a break from that. Maybe your oldest is feeling like all your happiness is on her shoulders. That’s unhealthy motivation and creates a lot of pressure for any child.
5. They need our understanding and attention.
Kids will occasionally fail at something or make mistakes just to push our buttons. Let’s face it: They are smart little people even at a young age, and they learn the power of manipulation early.
In these cases, responding with understanding is important. When the time is right, and depending on their age, let them know you understand they’re angry or frustrated but you’d rather have them talk with you about their feelings than to act their feelings out.
6. They need more modeling and instruction related to character and obedience.
Sometimes mistakes are an issue of character. Kids might hurry through a task or assignment so they can get back to their video games. They can choose to not double-check their work because pride is in their way and they’re just convinced they haven’t made any mistakes. As parents, we need to discern whether our children are making occasional errors in judgment or if they’ve developed consistent character flaws that need to be addressed.
7. They need self-respect, self-control, and respect for others modeled for them and taught to them.
Sometimes kids’ strengths get them into trouble. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing! For example, word-smart kids might talk too much. Logic-smart kids with a heightened curiosity may ask questions to keep you distracted and to extend bedtime. We don’t want to paralyze their strengths by overreacting and being too critical, but we do need to teach the concepts of self-control and respecting others.
8. They need sleep, food, and/or emotional stability.
Do you sometimes underperform or make unhealthy decisions when you’re tired, hungry, or emotionally vulnerable? So do kids. You might discover your daughter should start her homework after having a snack. Your son may not be handling the long day of school well and may need to go to bed thirty minutes earlier than you originally thought. To track patterns, you can keep a written record of their misbehavior using a calendar or a list. After recording a few days of when mistakes and misbehavior occur, who was present, if it was near mealtime, or if they were fatigued, you can often identify possible strategies to decrease the misbehavior.
It’s okay, in the midst of mistakes, to verbalize that your child is not failing or a failure. Look for impressionable moments when kids need the reassurance that making mistakes is how people learn. You may not be happy with their choices, and discipline may be necessary, but also let them know they’re not stupid. In fact, letting our kids know they’re not mistakes even when they make mistakes is very important for us to communicate, especially in the hard days of parenting!
This excerpt is from No More Perfect Kids, a new Hearts at Home book by Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch! Pick up your copy of the book between March 13-23 and you'll get over $100 in bonus resources! Find out more at NoMorePerfect.com!
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Sunday, March 2, 2014
I'm so excited to announce that the No More Perfect Kids book is now here!
Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch have been working so hard over the past year to bring parents this powerful book! I am part of the launch team and have already had the opportunity to read the book and can highly recommend it!
However, they say good things come to those who wait. This saying is especially true where No More Perfect Kids is concerned. The official release date was March 1, BUT if you are willing to wait to get your copy until March 13 - 23, you will be eligible to receive over $100 in free resources! I'll provide all the info you need during release week to get the book and the bonus offers so stay tuned for the details.
You’ll also want to pop over to www.nomoreperfect.com where you can sign up to receive weekly antidotes to the perfection infection on the No More Perfect Blog, or learn how to better love your kids for who they are through our free 13-day No More Perfect Kids e-challenge.
While you're waiting for those bonus offers, here's an excerpt from the book:
Ten Ways to Encourage Your Child
An excerpt from No More Perfect Kids by Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch
Parenting is hard work and sometimes it seems our kids do more wrong than right. Add in household responsibilities like laundry and meals, spilled milk at the breakfast table, a child who comes in from playing outside and is covered in dirt, and sibling rivalry where the kids pick at each other all night and sometimes life just isn’t easy. Fatigue is normal and frustration is, too. Learning not to act unkindly in our frustration is a journey requiring grace for ourselves and our kids.
Even in the midst of real life, it’s important to say far more encouraging words to our kids than correcting words. When we encourage kids, we give them courage. It’s empowering, freeing, and strengthening. When encouragement is the norm, children will learn they can take risks, try new things, ask for help, and make mistakes without the fear of losing the acceptance, love, and support of their parents.
It’s not easy to give encouragement, especially on the hard days. There are, however, steps we can take to increase encouragement in our home.
Here are 10 Encouragement Enhancers you can use in your family:
1. Don’t expect perfection. When we expect perfection we notice every little thing that’s wrong and that creates an environment of discouragement.
2. Encourage childlike behavior. There’s a difference between childish behavior and age-appropriate childlike behavior. Discourage the first and encourage the second.
3. Value what your kids learn. We need to pay at least as much attention to what’s being learned as we do to grades being earned and performances at games and concerts. This is one way we communicate that our kids are more than what they do and how they do.
4. Resist the urge to judge all performances. One way to emphasize learning rather than performance is not always to ask about their scores or grades.
5. Ask them how they feel. When talking about one of their athletic competitions, concerts, or tests, sometimes ask first how satisfied they were with the outcome. Two-way conversations about grades, concerts, and competitions will be more profitable than one-way judgments.
6. Notice their strengths. Point out their character, attitude, and action strengths to help them when they work to make progress in weak areas.
7. Don’t worry about their challenges. Understand some areas will remain challenges for our kids no matter how hard they try. Trying to get kids to change what they can’t improve is a sure way to discourage them.
8. Celebrate what’s real. When one child deserves to be celebrated for something significant (e.g., no C’s on a report card for the first time in a year, a soccer championship, art being displayed in the county library), don’t create fake celebrations for your other kids in order to be “fair.” Use these opportunities to teach children to genuinely celebrate their siblings.
9. Introduce them to overcomers. Discuss relatives and local people your kids know who have overcome great odds. Read biographies and autobiographies of people who have been highly successful even though they also struggled. We can often learn our greatest lessons from our greatest challenges.
10. Have fun together. Play with your kids. Relationships are deepened while building forts and having tea parties with your little ones and going shopping and watching ball games with your older ones. The fun, relaxed moments you share make tough times easier to walk through and go a long way to creating an encouraging family culture.
Be patient with yourself as you work to increase the encouraging environment in your family. If you choose too many things to change, you and your kids will be overwhelmed and little progress will be made. Don’t look back with shame or guilt either. Today is a perfect day to look forward with hope, choose one Encouragement Enhancer to start with, and walk in a positive direction!
**************************************************************************
Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch have been working so hard over the past year to bring parents this powerful book! I am part of the launch team and have already had the opportunity to read the book and can highly recommend it!
However, they say good things come to those who wait. This saying is especially true where No More Perfect Kids is concerned. The official release date was March 1, BUT if you are willing to wait to get your copy until March 13 - 23, you will be eligible to receive over $100 in free resources! I'll provide all the info you need during release week to get the book and the bonus offers so stay tuned for the details.
You’ll also want to pop over to www.nomoreperfect.com where you can sign up to receive weekly antidotes to the perfection infection on the No More Perfect Blog, or learn how to better love your kids for who they are through our free 13-day No More Perfect Kids e-challenge.
While you're waiting for those bonus offers, here's an excerpt from the book:
Ten Ways to Encourage Your Child
An excerpt from No More Perfect Kids by Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch
Parenting is hard work and sometimes it seems our kids do more wrong than right. Add in household responsibilities like laundry and meals, spilled milk at the breakfast table, a child who comes in from playing outside and is covered in dirt, and sibling rivalry where the kids pick at each other all night and sometimes life just isn’t easy. Fatigue is normal and frustration is, too. Learning not to act unkindly in our frustration is a journey requiring grace for ourselves and our kids.
Even in the midst of real life, it’s important to say far more encouraging words to our kids than correcting words. When we encourage kids, we give them courage. It’s empowering, freeing, and strengthening. When encouragement is the norm, children will learn they can take risks, try new things, ask for help, and make mistakes without the fear of losing the acceptance, love, and support of their parents.
It’s not easy to give encouragement, especially on the hard days. There are, however, steps we can take to increase encouragement in our home.
Here are 10 Encouragement Enhancers you can use in your family:
1. Don’t expect perfection. When we expect perfection we notice every little thing that’s wrong and that creates an environment of discouragement.
2. Encourage childlike behavior. There’s a difference between childish behavior and age-appropriate childlike behavior. Discourage the first and encourage the second.
3. Value what your kids learn. We need to pay at least as much attention to what’s being learned as we do to grades being earned and performances at games and concerts. This is one way we communicate that our kids are more than what they do and how they do.
4. Resist the urge to judge all performances. One way to emphasize learning rather than performance is not always to ask about their scores or grades.
5. Ask them how they feel. When talking about one of their athletic competitions, concerts, or tests, sometimes ask first how satisfied they were with the outcome. Two-way conversations about grades, concerts, and competitions will be more profitable than one-way judgments.
6. Notice their strengths. Point out their character, attitude, and action strengths to help them when they work to make progress in weak areas.
7. Don’t worry about their challenges. Understand some areas will remain challenges for our kids no matter how hard they try. Trying to get kids to change what they can’t improve is a sure way to discourage them.
8. Celebrate what’s real. When one child deserves to be celebrated for something significant (e.g., no C’s on a report card for the first time in a year, a soccer championship, art being displayed in the county library), don’t create fake celebrations for your other kids in order to be “fair.” Use these opportunities to teach children to genuinely celebrate their siblings.
9. Introduce them to overcomers. Discuss relatives and local people your kids know who have overcome great odds. Read biographies and autobiographies of people who have been highly successful even though they also struggled. We can often learn our greatest lessons from our greatest challenges.
10. Have fun together. Play with your kids. Relationships are deepened while building forts and having tea parties with your little ones and going shopping and watching ball games with your older ones. The fun, relaxed moments you share make tough times easier to walk through and go a long way to creating an encouraging family culture.
Be patient with yourself as you work to increase the encouraging environment in your family. If you choose too many things to change, you and your kids will be overwhelmed and little progress will be made. Don’t look back with shame or guilt either. Today is a perfect day to look forward with hope, choose one Encouragement Enhancer to start with, and walk in a positive direction!
**************************************************************************
Sunday, August 18, 2013
When you soap a mommy's windows...
(with sincere apologies to the author of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie")
When you soap a mommy's windows, she'll head outside with a squeegee and bucket.
When she heads outside, she'll see that the living room window really can come apart.
When she takes the window apart, she'll see that the window sill is really, really dirty.
When she climbs up on the couch to vacuum the window sill, she'll absentmindedly set the vacuum down on the couch.
When she sets the vacuum on the (new) couch, it will rip/burn a hole in the cushion.
So, don't soap windows. Who knows what havoc you're wreaking in some poor person's house?
When you soap a mommy's windows, she'll head outside with a squeegee and bucket.
When she heads outside, she'll see that the living room window really can come apart.
When she takes the window apart, she'll see that the window sill is really, really dirty.
When she climbs up on the couch to vacuum the window sill, she'll absentmindedly set the vacuum down on the couch.
When she sets the vacuum on the (new) couch, it will rip/burn a hole in the cushion.
So, don't soap windows. Who knows what havoc you're wreaking in some poor person's house?
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
It's the most wonderful time of the year....
Won't you join me in a refrain of that song? I love everything about back-to-school. Honestly, my kids have reached their limit in getting along and playing nicely. They are ready to be back in their routine and see the friends they haven't seen much over the summer. School supplies are almost ready to go, schedules have been studied and scrutinized, outfits have been paired and re-paired, and a billion hairstyles have been tried out. I think they're ready!
I'm ready too. I'm ready to see my coworkers, to plan my lessons, to pick some songs my choirs will like, to hang posters and cheesy puns. ("I bought this violin Vivaldi money I made" is my favorite!) I'm ready to see how much my students have grown over the summer, and ready to tackle my Class of '15's junior year. Fundraising, concessions, homecoming, prom!
So why is my underlying anxiety ramping up? The week before and the first week of school I can be an anxious wreck. Something about it just makes me squirrelly. After the first week or so, things level out and I feel so much better. I have to remember that each day is JUST ONE DAY, and that God will give me the strength for whatever each day brings. I could ask for Friday's strength today, but if God gave it to me, I'd use it all today and have nothing on Friday when I need it. Does that make sense? God in His wisdom gives us what we need only when we need it, not necessarily when we ask for it.
So if you're a student or a teacher or parent this week, and you're dealing with feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, fearful, I'm totally identifying with you. And praying for you. Would you do the same for me?
I'm ready too. I'm ready to see my coworkers, to plan my lessons, to pick some songs my choirs will like, to hang posters and cheesy puns. ("I bought this violin Vivaldi money I made" is my favorite!) I'm ready to see how much my students have grown over the summer, and ready to tackle my Class of '15's junior year. Fundraising, concessions, homecoming, prom!
So why is my underlying anxiety ramping up? The week before and the first week of school I can be an anxious wreck. Something about it just makes me squirrelly. After the first week or so, things level out and I feel so much better. I have to remember that each day is JUST ONE DAY, and that God will give me the strength for whatever each day brings. I could ask for Friday's strength today, but if God gave it to me, I'd use it all today and have nothing on Friday when I need it. Does that make sense? God in His wisdom gives us what we need only when we need it, not necessarily when we ask for it.
So if you're a student or a teacher or parent this week, and you're dealing with feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious, fearful, I'm totally identifying with you. And praying for you. Would you do the same for me?
Monday, July 8, 2013
Let Go of the Lid Already
It's hard to believe that it's now been almost 13 months since we said goodbye to our wonderful, unique, but Ohsotiny home. I loved its history and the memories we made but it was time to move on to bigger spaces!
The process of selling our home and buying a new(er) one proved to be an experiment in "hurry up and wait." I'm not the best waiter. I mean, I've never been a waiter or a waitress and I'm sure I wouldn't be good at that either, but that's not what I'm talking about. We signed on approximately a bajillion dotted lines, and prayed. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more, but instead of just exercising my faith, I did whatever I could in my own power to move things forward. (Not a good idea, FYI).
I got more and more frustrated at the lack of speed in the whole process, until one day I had the most vivid picture in my mind. When one of my kids can't open a jar, they twist the lid and grunt and after a few tries, they bring it to me. They ask me to help, but they still hold on to the lid. I try to open it for them, but their little fingers are still there, sometimes twisting in the wrong direction completely. To open their "prize", I have to pry their hands loose first. Only when their hands are out of the way can I take over and do what they are too weak to do.
That image made me realize exactly what I was doing. Not only were my own efforts not helping, but they were probably delaying things! All I really needed to do was step back and take my fingers off the lid. When my weak and frail efforts were removed, I was finally allowing God to lead us through that transition in His timing and His will. It's a lot easier to see that in retrospect. When I'm grappling with something that I really can't change....it's time to let go and hand over what I'm trying to open-to the only One who knows what is best for me.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Mama Duck
I used to see "those moms" with lots of kids and think I would never be one of "those moms". They have all the patience and can even do their kids' hair and get them in matching outfits! Those moms can make meals and crafts and their children *never* fight.
So now for the next 14 days, I'm toting six children around. I'm pretty sure that qualifies as a lot of kids, no matter who you are. They don't match, I kind of do their hair, and I have just enough patience to make it to bedtime and start over the next day. Who would've thought? Caffeine, chocolate, and the prayers of good friends have made what seemed ridiculous to me, into a reality.
Of course, this parenting six children thing is for a very short amount of time. Pretty sure I really couldn't do it all. the. time.
For the past five days, we've been in transition. Going from having all independent children, who can buckle their own seat belts and play without constant supervision, back to diapers, sippy cups, and "put that down it's glue not chapstick!" has been a shift, to put it mildly. There is a reason (at least one!) that babies don't arrive in this world as two-year-olds.
This morning I opened a new gallon of milk and threw the lid right in the trash can. I barely have enough mental focus to write a shopping list, and I'd really rather not talk about what my house looks like. I keep coming back to the "hit by a truck" analogy. But it's not like getting hit and run over...it's more like standing still, and then getting hit and stuck on the grill of the truck and flying down the highway. It's not that the work is harder, it's just so much more constant.
But the Safe Families journey is one that I'm sure we're supposed to be on. I didn't know it would be so rewarding along with being so tough. I think the hardest part will be letting our host kids go when it is time to say goodbye to them.
If you want to know more about the mission of Safe Families, check out www.safe-families.org.
So now for the next 14 days, I'm toting six children around. I'm pretty sure that qualifies as a lot of kids, no matter who you are. They don't match, I kind of do their hair, and I have just enough patience to make it to bedtime and start over the next day. Who would've thought? Caffeine, chocolate, and the prayers of good friends have made what seemed ridiculous to me, into a reality.
Of course, this parenting six children thing is for a very short amount of time. Pretty sure I really couldn't do it all. the. time.
For the past five days, we've been in transition. Going from having all independent children, who can buckle their own seat belts and play without constant supervision, back to diapers, sippy cups, and "put that down it's glue not chapstick!" has been a shift, to put it mildly. There is a reason (at least one!) that babies don't arrive in this world as two-year-olds.
This morning I opened a new gallon of milk and threw the lid right in the trash can. I barely have enough mental focus to write a shopping list, and I'd really rather not talk about what my house looks like. I keep coming back to the "hit by a truck" analogy. But it's not like getting hit and run over...it's more like standing still, and then getting hit and stuck on the grill of the truck and flying down the highway. It's not that the work is harder, it's just so much more constant.
But the Safe Families journey is one that I'm sure we're supposed to be on. I didn't know it would be so rewarding along with being so tough. I think the hardest part will be letting our host kids go when it is time to say goodbye to them.
If you want to know more about the mission of Safe Families, check out www.safe-families.org.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Pro Daddy
My husband is such a pro at this daddy thing, y'all. He has jumped back into rocking and diaper-changing and cutting up food in tiny pieces like we never left Toddlerville. I just plain could NOT do this without him! It's wonderful to see him do what he does so well and remember that this is why we make such a great team. I feel like I've been run over by a truck, scraped off the pavement, and then run through a food processor, but these 17 days will go by SO fast. The two little ones that we're taking care of for a while are doing great and being mommied by my girls, too! I'm thankful that we have the chance to do this. And even more thankful that my hubby is game for this. A lot of guys wouldn't want to make room in their homes for extra kids, especially little ones that are more high-maintenance. :) And I'd write so much more, but I have to go cut up some pancakes and put lots of hair in ponytails!
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